


name your price

by coppertears



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Date Auction, Humor, M/M, multiple crack pairings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-10
Updated: 2016-06-10
Packaged: 2018-07-14 05:44:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7155980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coppertears/pseuds/coppertears





	name your price

  
**name your price**  
sehun/tao/jongdae/junmyeon, sehun/yixing/luhan/minseok, tao/baekhyun/chanyeol/kris, jongin/ryeowook/kyungsoo  
pg-13  
in which six members are up for bidding.  


 

 

 

a couple of weeks into december, sm entertainment releases a new video on exo’s official youtube channel out of the blue. it is a simple slideshow composed of each member’s pictures from the _miracles in december_ teasers, followed by a black screen with white words floating to the front, _name your price_ glowing in the darkness before fading away.

immediately after the release, exo ranks #1 on naver site searches, tumblr is flooded with conspiracy theories and twitter timelines explode with speculations. everyone is on the edge of their seats, trying to figure out what sm is up to this time (and hoping it doesn’t cost too much because they’ve spent their cash on the special mini-album and season’s greetings set).

on that same day, the members gather in their practice room and hold out their fists. to anyone else it may look a little strange, mostly because they are either side-eyeing each other or glaring at the floor. only a few seem relaxed: jongdae, rocking on his heels as he squats, and minseok, mouth falling open as he yawns.

“okay, guys,” kris murmurs. “1, 2, 3…”

 

 

 

 

the next day, a news report is released that minseok, luhan, kris, junmyeon, baekhyun and kyungsoo will be participating in a date auction on the 23rd of december, just two days before exo’s joint concert with f(x).

“this is a gift for the fans to thank them for how much they’ve supported exo this year,” a spokesperson says. “we’ll be setting up an online bidding site so that even international fans can join. they’ll get to spend a day with exo, and we’ll cover all the expenses incurred.”

the fangirls are thrilled, causing servers to crash (once again) and preparing their bank accounts for what can only be called a war. fansites post crying emoticons and endless lines of hangul characters that at least 80% of the fandom cannot understand without the help of a translator. the more cynical fans lean back in their chairs, saying, “it’s another money-making scheme, guys. you’re probably going to pay a hundred times more than whatever expenses you have when you go on that date.”

they are not the only ones with shiny credit cards at the ready.

 

 

 

 

 

hours before the opening of the date auction, luhan barges into yixing’s room in his purple boxers and dress shirt. his hair is on its way to being gelled, eyeliner rimming his eyes. “yixing,” he says.

yixing stops strumming his guitar and glances up. he slips out his earphones. “i could take a picture of you right now and post it on the message board so that everyone can make fun of you.”

luhan blinks, looks down at himself and yelps. “i forgot to put on pants,” he says in horror. he glares at yixing. “don’t you dare take photos.”

yixing shrugs. “so why did you come in here, anyway?”

“oh,” luhan says, brightening up and forgetting his current state of undress, “i have a favor to ask of you.”

the main dancer gives luhan a very unimpressed look. “if this has something to do with the bidding, i think i should let you know that i’m already bidding for you as much as i can, but i’m not going to go higher than a million won.”

“it’s not that,” luhan hisses, “but thanks.” he presses his credit card into yixing’s palm and closes his groupmate’s fingers over it. “i can’t bid for minseok so you have to do it for me. you have to make sure that _you win_.”

yixing raises an eyebrow. “but what if it gets maxed --”

he stops mid-sentence as luhan, with a crazy gleam in his eyes, takes out his wallet bursting with more credit cards.

“i -- okay.”

“thanks, yixing!” luhan chirps happily, and he prances back to the wardrobe for a pair of pants.

 

 

jongdae can practically feel eyes burning a hole into his back when he climbs inside the car with the rest of the members who aren’t part of the auction. he rests a hand on his right pocket where his wallet is, just to assure himself that it’s there, before turning around.

“i’m bidding on junmyeon-hyung,” tao says darkly from his seat behind jongdae, and his eyes are so filled with fire that if jongdae had been a weaker person, he’d have melted right there and then.

jongdae just smiles and turns back to face the front. “well, go on then.”

“i’m bidding on junmyeon-hyung, too,” another voice pipes up. this time jongdae freezes, and he doesn’t want to give sehun the satisfaction of knowing that jongdae’s rattled so he doesn’t look back. the maknae probably has an impish grin on his lips. it fills jongdae with horror. he can handle tao, because once the kid felt like he was losing, he’d simply move on to kris.

sehun is another matter entirely, and it’s because his focus isn’t split into half like tao’s is. he’ll bid on junmyeon until the end -- maybe not because he wants to go on a date with the leader that bad, but because he likes watching jongdae suffer.

“luhan’s up for bidding, too,” jongdae says, willing his voice to be steady.

sehun considers this. “maybe if i have some extra money after bidding on junmyeon-hyung,” he says.

jongdae swallows. he’s doomed.

 

 

 

 

jongin announces to the other members that he’s going for kyungsoo. everyone just lets him be (and wishes him a silent good luck because a certain sm sunbae by the name of ryeowook had been overly ecstatic at the news that kyungsoo would be part of the auction. it will be a long, hard fight.)

no one is going to contest jongin over this. they know how obstinate he is, and the second youngest member has always had a penchant for holding grudges whenever anyone tries to take his kyungsoo-hyung away from him.

so chanyeol changes his mind and decides to bid for kris instead -- after baekhyun, because baekhyun is still his soulmate number one. he happily takes out five of his fifteen credit cards and decides to max them out until someone names an amount higher than he does.

baekhyun, though, has other plans. he goes to jongin, the only one he's sure he can trust, and gives him his credit cards. "bid on kris-hyung for me," he says. "and you can only use one of these to help you win kyungsoo, but the rest must be used for you to win kris."

"but hyung," jongin says, confused, "what's the point? you can't date kris even if you win --"

"it is the principle that matters, jongin," baekhyun interrupts. "it is enough for me to know that i outbid everyone else for kris."

jongin doesn't understand because _what is the point_ and he’s pretty sure that kris has got a ton of rich chinese fans, but he nods his head obediently. "sure, whatever you say, hyung."

 

 

 

 

 

minseok is the only one in the entire group who doesn't care.

 

 

 

 

“alright, so here are the rules,” an sm spokesperson says when the members being auctioned off have taken their seats arranged on top of a raised platform. it’s a media room, and while the auction is going on, representatives from the press will be taping the entire thing. the other six members are seated off to the side, easygoing smiles on their faces even as their thumbs race across their cellphone screens to pull up the bidding website. “each member will only be up for bidding for an hour. you may only bid in increments of 100,000 won or the equivalent thereof in your currency. all you have to do is key in the amount and link your credit card. the site will automatically verify if the cards you have linked are able to pay the amount you’ve bid for; if funds are insufficient, then the bid is nullified. the person who has the highest bid at the end of each hour will be declared the winner.”

the reporters throw a few more questions: _is it really all-expenses paid?_ and _what if a guy wins?_ and _how do the exo members feel about this?_

junmyeon takes the mic at this point and directs a dazzling smile at dispatch’s camera. “we are very excited for this event,” he says. “we’ve been preparing the details for the past few days, and we look forward to going on a date with the winning bidders.”

“what about the members who aren’t participating in the auction?” a lady reporter asks.

chanyeol leans forward to accept the mic from the manager. he lets his lips form his signature grin as he says, “we feel really sad that we can’t fulfill the wishes of our fans as well.” he places a hand over his heart and scrunches his nose up. “however, we do hope that the winners will enjoy their dates! thank you for loving and supporting exo all throughout this year.”

the sm spokesperson nods his head then, and the managers flash cues for the end of the press conference. at this point, a huge led screen lights up behind the six members on the platform, counting down to the beginning of the auction.

kris has slipped his cold mask back on, settling back in his chair. luhan has his hands on his lap and looks for all the world like an overgrown church choir boy, but when the camera isn’t aimed at him, he keeps glancing at yixing. baekhyun is fidgeting in his seat and his fingers are dancing across his thighs. junmyeon sits like he’s got a rod holding up his spine, head raised high and eyes staring straight ahead. minseok is the only one who seems relaxed, posture casual and smile bright with sincerity.

at this point, the other six members have bowed out of the media room and gone to their dressing room. tension congeals between them. everyone pretends to be nonchalant as they drape their bodies on chairs and tables and maybe the floor, but everyone’s got his cellphone out with the bidding website open, and they keep glancing at the tv screen that’s showing what’s going on in the media room.

with ten seconds left to go, one of the side screens fills with black static. then a silhouette revolves in empty space, whirling and twirling and coming to a stop, until features begin to appear.

the first person up for bidding is junmyeon.

jongdae swallows. he raises his head, and that’s when he sees sehun looking back at him with a smirk pasted on his face. tao’s also glaring at him, but jongdae’s known him for a long enough time to tell that he’s harmless.

he glances up at the tv screen again and sees junmyeon unleashing his beatific smile on tens of thousands of fans scattered all over the globe. jongdae breathes in and thinks, _i’ve got this_. he refuses to give sehun the satisfaction of intimidating him enough for him to back out. his ears are pricked, thumb hovering over the _login_ button, and he licks his lips as the seconds crumble past.

jongdae vaguely hears the disjoint harmony of the countdown: luhan’s flawless chinese, junmyeon’s soothing korean and kris’ guttural english. _3, 2, 1_.

he clicks _login_.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN ERROR 404 THERE CAN’T BE AN ERROR 404 I NEED TO BID FOR JUNMYEON-HYUNG!”

“800,000 won!” sehun yells out gleefully. “i’m going to win this, jongdae-hyung can’t even enter the website!”

jongdae fumes and shakes his phone back and forth. the minutes are slipping by. he reloads the page but it still won’t connect.

“1,500,000 won,” tao counters sehun. onscreen, a scrolling list of bids is racing down beyond the speed necessary for comprehension.

“WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME,” jongdae shouts at his phone. “TAO IS WINNING NOW.”

yixing sidles up to him then and presses his phone in jongdae’s hand. “here, use this one.”

“you are an angel, zhang yixing,” jongdae says in near tears as he scrabbles to key in his details. “2,800,000 won!”

“5,000,000!”

“WHAT THE FUCK, SEHUN,” tao all but screams. “8,000,000!”

“CAN’T YOU BID FOR KRIS LATER,” jongdae snaps at tao. “10,000,000!”

“12,000,000!’

“SEHUN, I SWEAR I WILL END YOU --”

“30 minutes left,” the broadcaster announces. “highest bid so far is from username lanoblesse, with 30,000,000 won!”

sehun, tao and jongdae all gape at the screen.

“fansites,” jongdae hisses. he’s tingling from head to toe. by now he’s delayed the purchase of his future house in his mental roadmap of _things that jongdae must accomplish before he turns 50_ , and he’s going to have to spend a lot more than that.

“DID YOU JUST RAISE THE BID TO 50,000,000 WON,” tao shouts, shooting jongdae an irritated look. “AH -- 55,000,000 WON!”

“60,000,000,” sehun chimes in with a self-satisfied smirk.

“guys, aren’t you taking this too far?” jongin says, looking up from his manga.

“shut up and worry about ryeowook-hyung later when the bidding for kyungsoo opens,” tao shoots back at him.

“CAN YOU GUYS NOT,” jongdae yells as he watches the bid climb up to 80,000,000, courtesy of huang zitao. he keys in _90,000,ooo_.

“1 BILLION WON.”

the whole room freezes. jongdae almost drops yixing’s phone in shock, and yixing eyes the motion nervously. tao falls out of his chair. jongin sits up and chanyeol raises himself up from where he’s lying on the floor.

“ARE YOU INSANE,” tao shouts.

“OH GOD, YOU’RE INSANE, WHY WOULD YOU PAY A BILLION FOR JUNMYEON-HYUNG WHEN HE MAKES THOSE WEIRD EXPRESSIONS A LOT? HOW CAN YOU STAND HIM DOING THAT _ALL DAY_?” chanyeol blurts out.

sehun just spins around, unfazed. “i guess i win this then,” he says smugly.

“not yet,” jongdae says as he eyes the clock. there are 15 seconds left. “1,300,000,000!”

“what -- what -- JONGDAE,” sehun says in disbelief.

“not you too,” jongin murmurs.

“it’s hyung to you,” jongdae replies.

“YOU TWO CAN’T DO THIS,” tao seethes. “YOU’RE ALL CRAZY, I’M GIVING UP!” he throws his hands up in frustration and begins to rant in half-mad chinese.

“1,500,000,000!”

“no -- fuck -- sehun, you brat -- 1,800,000,000!”

the numbers are still rolling past. five seconds left, now.

“2 BILLION!”

“2,500,000,000!”

“3 BILLION.” by now sehun has slipped to the floor.

“4 BILLION.”

“FIVE --”

“and bidding for leader suho is now over!” the broadcaster announces as confetti rains down.

sehun flops back down and wails, “jongdae-hyung, you are an ass!”

“yes, my ass is really nice,” jongdae retorts.

sehun throws his phone at him and misses. “what ass are you talking about,” he snipes.

“says the one with no ass --”

“alright, ladies and gentlemen!” the broadcaster’s back and everyone’s heads whip toward the direction of the tv screen. the camera’s panning across the six members and then closing in on junmyeon, and jongdae wants to _die_. junmyeon’s smile is back in full force, and his hair’s gelled up, and jongdae is just so desperate to win. “the winning bid is…”

jongdae grips his chair’s arm rests. sehun looks like he’s just swallowed a lemon.

“from username madeinheaven, with 20 billion won! congratulations!”

jongdae blacks out.

 

 

 

 

“oh, right, fansites,” sehun mutters.

“we should wake jongdae up,” yixing says, eyeing the main vocalist with worry.

“no, leave him there,” jongin says. “he needs to recover and i’d rather lessen the amount of people stomping this room down to ashes.”

“on the bright side,” chanyeol says, scooting over to poke jongdae’s cheek,“ i guess he can buy his house by the time he’s 28, after all?”

 

 

 

 

luhan is up next.

yixing tries to be discreet as he fishes his phone out of jongdae’s limp hand, avoiding sehun’s gaze. the blonde-haired maknae is all bent limbs and awkward angles splayed out on the couch, his smirk back in full force the moment his luhan-hyung appears onscreen. and, really, yixing isn’t the type to be looking for trouble, not at all. but he knows his best friend really well, and he knows that luhan prefers being a free man if he can’t be with minseok.

he takes a seat in the corner of the room and waits for the page to load, heart hammering in his ears. yixing really doesn’t want to fight with sehun over this. it’s ridiculous, and he doesn’t want to catch anyone’s attention, so he keeps quiet and waits.

“if i can’t have junmyeon-hyung then i’ll have luhan-hyung,” sehun declares from his spot.

everybody ignores him. it’s not like anyone wants to take sehun away from luhan, the same way no one bothers with jongin being possessive when it comes to kyungsoo. besides, luhan’s got at least a million fans in china alone, and everyone recognizes a losing battle when they see one.

so yixing doesn’t know what’s gotten into him when he punches in _1 million won_ for his first bid.

“wait, what the -- it’s too early for the bid to be 1 million?” sehun protests out loud.

jongin raises an eyebrow at him. “yeah, but luhan’s fans are rich and there are a lot of them,” he says.

sehun curses. “i’ll raise it to ten million, then.”

yixing nearly chokes on his water and he starts coughing all over the place. “ _ten million_?”

sehun just shrugs. “hyung, why are you all the way over there.”

“um.” yixing’s mind races. he knows he’s told luhan that he’s only bidding up until a million won but now that’s clearly a lie as he keys in _15 million won_. “i. peace and quiet. and rest. and, uh, it’s nice and dark here so i can sleep?”

chanyeol scowls. “hyung, you’re standing right underneath a light bulb.”

yixing looks up and laughs nervously, at the same time as the broadcaster announces, “half-time mark! highest bid so far is 25 million won from username healerxing!”

the air suddenly turns cold.

“25 million,” tao echoes, gaze sliding over to where yixing is seated.

“ _healerxing_ ,” sehun hisses. his eyes narrow. “i don’t know, that sounds kind of familiar, don’t you think?”

“does it?” yixing all but squeaks. he drops his phone, but not before he raises the bid to a cool 100 million and wonders why he’s even doing this. there is something addicting about this, yixing thinks, and he can’t seem to stop himself.

“hyung.”

“yes, sehun?” yixing says. from the periphery of his vision, he sees the 100 million turning to 500 million.

“you are not taking luhan-hyung away from me,” the maknae all but snarls out.

“i’m not.” he bumps up his bid to 1.5 billion and thinks, _yixing, you’re insane_.

sehun makes a noise of frustration. “goddamit --” and the numbers go up, up, up to 10 billion won.

yixing splutters in indignation and all of his pretenses are shot down when he says, “are you serious, did you just bid _10 billion won for luhan_ ,” he blurts out.

“I KNEW IT,” sehun says, brandishing his phone. “I KNEW YOU WERE A TRAITOR. HOW COULD YOU, YIXING-HYUNG, I TRUSTED YOU.”

yixing pales. “i -- uh -- i --” he can’t seem to stop his fingers as they tap out _20 billion won_ and _seriously, yixing, what are you thinking._

sehun gasps. “YOU DID NOT JUST.” his eyes are wild when he sees yixing’s bid appear onscreen.

eight seconds left.

username yehethun raises the bid to 30 billion.

goosebumps run down yixing’s spine as he places a 40 billion won bid.

“NO,” sehun yells, and he’s stomping his feet by now. he raises his bid to 50 billion and then he lunges for yixing, “YOU NEED TO BE STOPPED, THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE WINNER AND THAT WILL BE ME.”

chanyeol sticks out his leg in sehun’s path.

yixing’s vision blurs as he sends in a 60 billion won offer.

“and bidding for luhan is now closed!” the broadcaster announces. “please wait a moment for the winning bidder.”

“NO,” sehun screams, tripping over chanyeol’s leg. he lands on yixing’s crotch. “NO NO NO NO NO.”

yixing yelps and pushes him off.

“YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME, HYUNG,” sehun wails. “YOU CAN’T TAKE LUHAN-HYUNG AWAY FROM ME WHEN I’VE ALREADY LOST JUNMYEON-HYUNG.”

“you see them every day at the dorm,” jongin reminds him.

“IT IS NOT ENOUGH --”

“you don’t like luhan-hyung’s cooking,” chanyeol interrupts.

“and you can’t stand junmyeon-hyung’s crying face,” tao says.

“luhan-hyung doesn’t even like bubble tea.”

“he only likes minseok-hyung. and americano, too, because minseok-hyung likes coffee.”

sehun dissolves into a puddle of tears at yixing’s feet.

yixing just stares at his phone’s screen, trying to process the fact that he’s just signed away 60 billion won for an asshole named luhan. luhan, who steals his boxers and burns pancakes and is generally the most useless, twinkly creature one can have the misfortune of calling _friend_. his hands shake.

“the winner is,” the broadcaster says, and yixing’s head snaps up.

“hyung,” chanyeol whispers with wide eyes, “60 billion?”

the camera shows a close-up of a slightly wild-eyed luhan then returns to the broadcaster, who is fumbling with an envelope. “with 100 billion won, username twinnedpoison!”

sehun stops crying. yixing is in a shock.

“that’s the one who bought me and luhan-hyung an ipad air each for christmas, right?” sehun asks.

yixing can only nod his head.

 

 

 

 

when baekhyun appears, chanyeol snaps to attention and takes out his phone. “baekhyunnie’s mine!” he declares with glee.

“fat chance,” tao mutters, but chanyeol’s ears twitch and then he’s glaring at tao.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING,” he demands a few decibels higher than necessary, seeing as tao is only three seats away from him.

“bidding on baekhyun-hyung,” tao says, shrugging. a mischievous smile plays on his lips. “we’re the beef brothers, after all.”

“WELL, WE’RE SOULMATES,” chanyeol shoots back at him.

tao just rolls his eyes. “18 million won,” he fires at chanyeol, and the taller guy’s eyes widen.

“wait -- WAIT -- WAIT FUCK WHY IS THIS IN ENGLISH,” he hollers in panic.

“you must have switched the language settings, hyung,” jongin supplies. beside chanyeol, jongdae stirs.

“I KNOW THAT OKAY THAT DOESN’T EXPLAIN WHY IT’S IN ENGLISH WHAT THE FUCK DOES _PLACE YOUR BID_ MEAN.”

“chanyeol, your inner voice please,” yixing says, massaging his temples.

“25 million won!” tao shouts out.

“why are you as bad as jongdae-hyung when it comes to gadgets?” sehun grumbles from where he is still lying face-down on the floor. “is this a disease because i do not want to catch it.”

“you knew how to use gadgets but you still didn’t win either luhan-hyung or junmyeon-hyung,” tao retorts.

sehun shoots up, his hair mussed and his brows knitted. “YOU DID NOT JUST BRING UP THE SOURCE OF MY EMOTIONAL WOUNDS. MY PRIDE HAS BEEN TRAMPLED ON.”

“WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR PRIDE THE BID FOR BAEKHYUNNIE IS ALREADY AT 70 MILLION BUT I CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHAT _PRESS ENTER_ IS SUPPOSED TO BE, WHAT IS _ENTER_ , WHY DOES IT NEED TO BE _PRESSED_ ,” chanyeol wails. “BAEKHYUNNIE, FORGIVE ME.”

jongin sighs and snatches chanyeol’s phone, ignoring the rapper’s protests. he fiddles with it for a few seconds, during which time the half-time broadcast announces that the highest bid for baekhyun currently stands at 150 million won from username sogogi.

when he returns chanyeol’s phone, the taller guy’s eyes light up with angels singing in the background. “JONGIN, YOU ARE MY SAVIOR.”

“worship me later,” is all jongin says.

“why did you help him?” tao seethes.

chanyeol ignores all of them and shouts, “300 BILLION WON!”

“what -- did i hear you right -- _what_ ,” sehun stutters out.

“hyung, you’re crazy,” jongin says, dropping his manga entirely. “you see baekhyun every day, _why are you doing this_?”

tao throws his phone across the room with a, “WHY DO YOU GUYS BID SO RIDICULOUSLY HIGH?” directed at no one in particular.

“do you really want to throw that?” sehun asks, eyeing the phone. “kris-hyung isn’t up for bidding yet.”

chanyeol and tao pale at the same time.

“kris-hyung,” chanyeol blubbers and it looks like he’s going to cry.

“oh my god, no,” tao says, scrambling for his phone.

“going once, going twice,” the broadcaster says. the bid stands at 350 billion won. chanyeol’s eyes grow even wider and he _pouts_. his lower lip trembles as he sets aside his phone.

“you’re giving up, hyung?” sehun asks, surprised.

“kris-hyung,” is all that comes out of chanyeol’s mouth.

“ah.”

the numbers stop scrolling down. “with a bid of 400 billion won,” the broadcaster says, clearing his throat, “the winner is username polarlight! congratulations!”

chanyeol flings himself to the cushions and sobs.

 

 

 

 

everyone forms a prayer circle in the center of the room when it’s kyungsoo’s turn. by now, jongdae’s awake, though it seems like he’s being followed around by a small, dark cloud of depression. everyone links hands, jongin at the center of it all, and he huffs in frustration.

“really, guys, i’m fine,” he says, trying to wave them off. “you don’t really have to do this --”

“may jongin be guided to the light,” sehun intones, face blank. “may he find what he is searching for.”

“may he be blessed in this endeavor to make kyungsoo his own,” chanyeol adds, deep voice rumbling with suppressed laughter.

“may he have a more fruitful result from this bidding than we have,” tao says. then he stops and considers. “as long as he allows kyungsoo-hyung to continue cooking for us.”

“ _guys_ ,” jongin grits out. he glances up at the screen, and the moment the bidding starts, his fingers are flying over his phone’s keypad. it would be a good tactic to start high --

then his phone rings and jongin presses answer on reflex, and ryeowook’s impish grin is filling up the space where the website should be. “hello, jongin!” ryeowook greets, too chirpy and happy for jongin’s liking.

“ryeowook-hyung,” jongin says, “what do you want? i’m kind of in the middle of something.”

“don’t be rude, jongin,” ryeowook says with a _tsk_ ing sound. “also, you’re bidding for kyungsoo, right?”

it feels like something cold has slipped down jongin’s gut. “i. what are you talking about?” he asks, trying to feign innocence.

“but aren’t you bidding for kyungsoo?” chanyeol points up very loudly. jongin glares at him but the damage is done.

ryeowook’s grin is positively evil this time. “well, then, i guess we’ll have to keep talking, jongin.”

“what do you mean?” jongin asks.

ryeowook raises his eyebrow. “theoretically speaking, if i continue distracting you, then you can’t bid. i am your sunbaenim, after all, you can’t ignore me.”

“but you can’t bid either,” jongin points out weakly, trying to cast around for other options.

“oh, that’s where you’re wrong,” ryeowook all but coos. “i can still bid. in fact, i’ve just bumped up kyungsoo’s price tag to 16 million won.”

“what -- hyung, that’s _unfair_ ,” jongin splutters. he glances up at the scrolling list of bids, alarmed at how fast it’s going. kyungsoo’s face remains impassive, even when username ryeowook (his sunbaenim’s never been one for subtlety) maintains his claim with a current bid of 16 million.

ryeowook just chuckles. “have you ever heard that saying -- oh, what is it again...all’s fair in love and war, jongin,” he says.

someone taps jongin’s thigh and jongin nearly collides into the ceiling in shock. “what?” he hisses at jongdae.

jongdae is solemn. with very deliberate movements, he shows jongin his phone and types out _30 million won_.

jongin restrains his emotions. “so am i just going to sit here and stare at your face?” he asks ryeowook.

ryeowook sniffs. “of course. you’ll also sit down and stare as i go out with kyungsoo alone.”

“what’s the bidding price?” jongin asks, as casually as he can.

“50 million, not that you should care,” ryeowook says.

jongdae proceeds to bid 150 million won and jongin wants to cry. it’s such a huge amount and all of his cheapskate principles are flooding his thoughts, but he will do everything for kyungsoo. _everything_.

“are you winning?” he prods.

“yes --” ryeowook’s smile slides off. “what the -- who is username thunder?”

jongdae flashes jongin a thumbs up and jongin stifles his laughter. “ah, so you’re losing? guess you won’t be getting kyungsoo-hyung.”

“no, no, _i refuse to accept this_ ,” ryeowook says, squinting. “don’t think thunder can top 8 billion!”

jongin nods. jongdae keys in 19 billion.

“WHO IS THIS KID,” ryeowook yells in frustration. “19 BILLION -- SERIOUSLY -- I CAN BUY A PLOT OF LAND.”

“i thought you were going to win kyungsoo?” jongin says, unable to stop himself from riling ryeowook up some more.

“i will, goddammit, i -- fuck did that bid just rise to _35 billion_?”

jongin’s wallet is crying. jongin himself is crying inside. but ryeowook’s kind of rattled, too, so jongin thinks it’s a fair exchange.

“jongin.”

jongin’s head snaps back up. “yes, hyung?”

ryeowook squints at him. “are you thunder?”

jongin blurts out, “no.” technically, he isn’t. technically, thunder is jongdae, not jongin.

“you’re lying.”

“no, i’m not,” jongin says, shaking his head.

“HE’S TELLING THE TRUTH RYEOWOOK-HYUNG JONGIN’S NOT THUNDER, BECAUSE JONGDAE IS THUNDER AND HE’S --” chanyeol doesn’t get to finish his sentence because yixing is clapping a hand over his mouth.

ryeowook narrows his eyes. “i see,” he says, and his tone is dangerous.

“you can’t do anything, hyung,” jongin says as bravely as he can, even as jongdae bids 50 billion and, okay, that’s really _too high_.

“oh, yes, i can,” ryeowook says. “i can tell kyungsoo about that one time you stole his underwear so you could have a souvenir --”

“you did what, jongin?” sehun asks.

“it’s not true!” jongin insists.

“is it? well, what about when you replaced a quarter of kyungsoo’s clothes with pororo-themed outfits because of your deep connection --”

“really?” chanyeol asks, eyes shining with curiosity.

“no, hyung, that’s not --”

“or when you recorded his voice in the cr so it could be your alarm tone --”

“hyung, please, stop --”

“-- and you like smelling his pillows --”

“ _ryeowook-hyung_ \--”

“-- and you used to --”

“bidding for exo member d.o is officially over!” the broadcaster declares.

jongin and ryeowook both freeze up.

“did you just --”

“is it over --”

“jongdae-hyung,” jongin says, “were you able to -- ?”

“and the winning bidder is…”

jongdae shakes his head in dismay.

“...username gungunkick, with 58 billion won!”

ryeowook ends the call. jongin falls, defeated, to the ground.

sehun, chanyeol and tao then proceed with executing the _rites of ending jongin’s misery_ with jongdae and yixing as reluctant participants.

 

 

 

 

minseok goes up for bidding.

luhan glares so hard at the camera and yixing is sweating, knowing full well that it’s for him. he maxes out all of luhan’s credit cards in the process.

it’s no use. minseok is a muggle killer, after all, and luhan (bidding via proxy yixing) loses by 100,000 won to username meltingpoint’s bid of 235 billion won.

yixing flops back down. luhan’s going to kill him and dye his hair acid yellow by tomorrow morning. he might even pluck out all of the strings in yixing’s guitar. he shudders at the prospect.

 

 

 

 

“you guys are going head to head for kris again, aren’t you,” yixing says and it’s not even a question. he sighs when chanyeol and tao both nod.

jongin sidles up next to him, phone in hand and lips pursed.

“you’re bidding, too?”

the younger guy brings a finger up to his lips. “for baekhyun-hyung,” he murmurs.

yixing looks up at the screen and almost gags when he spots baekhyun wagging his eyebrows at kris in a suggestive manner. kris isn’t doing a good job at hiding his amusement.

“YOU CAN’T HAVE KRIS-GE,” tao yells at chanyeol, and yixing is suddenly glad that there is not a single stick in sight.

“I CAN AND I WILL,” chanyeol shouts back.

“guys,” jongdae groans, “shut up.”

“JONGDAE-HYUNG, CHANYEOL-HYUNG IS STEALING KRIS-GE. HE CAN’T STEAL KRIS-GE. KRIS-GE IS MINE.”

“SAYS WHO?”

“SAYS ME.”

“I’M NOT STEALING KRIS-HYUNG.”

“YES YOU ARE, YOU’RE STEALING KRIS-GE, AND THAT’S BAD. DIDN’T YOUR MOTHER EVER TELL YOU THAT IT’S BAD TO TAKE WHAT’S NOT YOURS?”

“YOU DON’T OWN H--”

“GUYS,” jongin bellows, irritated. “GUYS, STOP.”

“why are you fighting over kris-hyung, anyway,” sehun pipes up. “you see him every day and every night and you have to suffer through his artworks. really, i don’t see the point.”

“NO ONE ELSE CAN HAVE KRIS-GE,” tao wails, nearly tearing his hair out. “ABSOLUTELY NO ONE. I WILL NOT ALLOW IT.” he jabbers on in mandarin for the next thirty seconds.

jongin throws his hands up. “really, why are we even doing this? what the fuck, we see all of them every day, we see more than what we’re supposed to see. _why can’t we make it through one day_?”

chanyeol very unhelpfully responds with, “88 BILLION WON. SUCK ON THAT.”

“you didn’t want to let go of kyungsoo,” sehun mumbles.

jongin narrows his eyes. “you didn’t want to let go of junmyeon-hyung _and_ luhan-hyung,” he snipes.

sehun rolls over. “are you implying something?”

jongin focuses on his screen and types 100 billion won. “yes. you’re a hypocrite.”

sehun glares.

and then he and jongin are wrestling on the floor, jongin’s phone thrown off to the side. “OH SEHUN, GET OFF ME.”

“YOU ASKED FOR IT.”

“YOUR HAND IS ON MY CROTCH.”

“YOUR FOOT IS IN MY BUTT CRACK.”

“WHAT THE FUCK, WHY DO YOU WEIGH A TON?”

“GUYS,” yixing shouts as loud as he dares.

“182 BILLION,” chanyeol declares.

“200 BILLION,” tao retorts.

“i just want to sleep,” jongdae groans and covers his ears.

“WHY DID YOU RAISE THE BID TO 400 BILLION?”

“BECAUSE YOU RAISED IT TO 389 BILLION.”

“THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD ONE-UP ME.”

“I CAN ONE-UP YOU IN EVERYTHING.”

“WAIT -- YOU -- TAKE THAT BACK.”

in seconds, tao and chanyeol are at each other’s throats as well.

yixing looks at all of them. he attempts to pry sehun off of jongin’s neck. he side-steps chanyeol and tao.

finally, he decides to curl up next to jongdae and goes to sleep.

no one hears the broadcaster announce that the winning bidder is username destined, with a bid of 435 billion won.

 

 

 

 

the first thing luhan does the moment he enters the dressing room is head straight to yixing with a crazy gleam in his eye. yixing grabs luhan’s purple mcm backpack and cowers behind it.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU WIN. WHY DIDN’T _I_ WIN.”

“i maxed out your credit cards already,” yixing squeaks. “it’s just that meltingpoint --”

“YOU DO NOT SPEAK THAT NAME IN MY PRESENCE,” luhan booms, tearing away his backpack from yixing’s hands.

“now, luhan, calm down,” junmyeon says.

“HOW CAN MY CREDIT CARDS BE MAXED OUT ANYWAY, I CAME PREPARED --”

“you really only had chump change left after my last bid --”

“-- IT IS IMPOSSIBLE, IT IS NOT RIGHT. ARE YOU SCHEMING AGAINST ME --”

“-- luhan, really, believe me, there was nothing i could do --”

“YOU LYING, BETRAYING CHEAT, I TRUSTED YOU AND OCCASIONALLY LET YOU SIT ON THE EDGES OF MY BED AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME --”

“-- what are you talking about, you _kicked_ me every time i came near?”

“OUR FRIENDSHIP WAS A HOAX. YOU HAVE DISAPPOINTED ME GREATLY.”

“luhan, it’s not my fault there wasn’t enough money in your cards,” yixing tries to reason.

luhan points a finger at him. “THEN AS A GOOD FRIEND, YOU SHOULD HAVE MAXED OUT _YOUR_ CARDS AS WELL!”

yixing blinks. “okay, you’ve completely gone mad.”

a hand rests on luhan’s shoulder then. “luhan, let it go. yixing has nothing to do with this and it’s only a day.” minseok is serene as he says this, even unleashing a gummy smile.

luhan turns to a blubbering mess in 0.1 seconds flat and he clings to minseok even as the older guy attempts to get away. “YOU WILL BE TAINTED, BAOZI.”

“why don’t we talk over a cup of tea?” minseok suggests, giving yixing an apologetic look as he drags luhan away.

kyungsoo walks in and then jongin’s draped all over him, burying his face in the main vocalist’s neck. “hyuuuuuuung,” he whines, dragging out the syllables.

the shorter guy pats his head. “there, there, jongin. it’s okay.”

“IT’S NOT OKAY.”

“do you want kimchi spaghetti?” kyungsoo tries.

“I WANT YOU TO NOT GO ON THAT DATE.”

“i can’t do that, jongin.”

“YES, YOU CAN.”

“jongin, please be more mature about this.”

“I DON’T WANT TO BE MATURE, I JUST WANT YOU TO MYSELF.”

kyungsoo sighs. “we can go out together this saturday?”

jongin stiffens. and then he’s raising his head and looking up at the older boy, eyes sparkling. “really?”

kyungsoo hesitates but he says, “really.”

“oh, okay then, that’s fine.” he winds his arm around kyungsoo’s shoulders and half-pulls him toward the couches.

junmyeon exhales and sits down opposite yixing. before he can say anything, jongdae has permanently attached himself to junmyeon’s hip while sehun almost clambers onto his lap. “what are you guys doing?”

“nothing,” they chorus then shoot each other a look. “what is _he_ doing?” they both ask.

“i -- guys, i can’t move.”

“GET YOUR HANDS OFF HIS THIGHS.”

“NOT IF YOU DON’T REMOVE YOUR HANDS FROM HIS HAIR.”

“WHY YOU LITTLE --”

“BRAT.”

junmyeon’s weak _i can’t breathe_ is lost in their argument.

baekhyun and kris stumble in last, baekhyun pouting and kris giggling. it doesn’t take long for chanyeol and tao to join them, the four of them turning into a huge amoeba that tumbles down to the carpet.

and then it starts.

“KRIS-GE, CHANYEOL-HYUNG KEPT TRYING TO STEAL YOU AND BAEKHYUN AWAY FROM ME.”

“IT’S NOT STEALING BECAUSE YOU DON’T OWN THEM OKAY.”

“JONGIN, I GAVE YOU MY CREDIT CARDS, WHY DIDN’T YOU WIN KRIS-HYUNG FOR ME?”

“IT’S NOT MY FAULT, OKAY, SEHUN WRESTLED ME TO THE GROUND.”

“KRIS-GEEEEEEEE, DON’T GO ON THAT DATE.”

“tao,” kris says with a long-suffering sigh from underneath the weight of chanyeol, tao and baekhyun, “it’s just one day.”

“YOU CAN’T GO.”

“GET OFF OF KRIS-HYUNG,” baekhyun whines, trying to shove chanyeol and tao off.

“NO, WE’RE STAYING HERE FOREVER.”

“WE’LL STAY HERE UNTIL THE DAY OF HIS DATE PASSES AND THEN HE WILL MISS IT AND HE WILL NEVER BE SEPARATED FROM US EVER AGAIN.”

“...THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD IDEA.”

“JONGIN, I STILL HAVEN’T FORGIVEN YOU.”

“WHY IS IT ME YOU’RE TARGETTING WHEN SEHUN WAS THE ONE WHO PREVENTED ME FROM BIDDING?”

“sehun, is this true?” junmyeon asks.

sehun pouts. “BUT HE TEASED ME BECAUSE I COULDN’T WIN EITHER YOU OR LUHAN-HYUNG.”

“WELL, YOU DIDN’T.”

“YOU DIDN’T WIN KYUNGSOO-HYUNG, EITHER.”

“CHANYEOL, WHY IS YOUR HAND ON MY CROTCH?”

“KRIS-HYUNG, I MUST PROTECT YOU!”

“WAIT -- WAIT -- OW -- I’M SORRY, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, BAEKHYUN!”

“GUYS, PLEASE GET OFF ME. NOW.”

yixing stares at his eleven bandmates. he stands up and contemplates helping out.

“DID YOU JUST TUG ON MY HAIR?”

he sits back down.

 

 

 

 

sm rakes in a staggering amount of profits from the auction, but after a conference about the fans’ uproar over the one-day date and the destroyed dressing room, they axe any plans for a sequel.

not a single exo member complains.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
